My Journey Continues

I eagerly looked forward to the weekend, visiting and spending the night at my best friend’s house.  We were getting pedicures, going out to dinner and drinking wine.  I was excited for girl time and leaving my thoughts at home.  I had been spending a lot of time milling around my house lately, bouncing from one small project to the next, and I was getting bored.  With work required for business almost non-existent, I was at a loss on how to be productive. I found myself at odd times of the day, staring into the bathroom mirror, my face becoming detached from my body and evolving into somebody else.  Someone who was a stranger to me.  I felt dizzy, as if the world around me faded away into a blur, with my face distorted and numb.  Loneliness and isolation, two gifts from death, always shadows by my side. I could feel that I was alive, but that I was no longer who I used to be.  I asked myself, how did I get here? I am sick of be...

My eyes open and I am awake.  My brain reaches for the dream that floats through my mind, because I do not want to wake to reality.  Even my subconscious knows I do not want to end sleep, the other world much preferable to the real one.  I dreamt of my dad.  We were doing everyday normal things and I miss him.  My dreams are so real and I want to be in that world. Ugghh, I have to face another day of moving forward, figuring out what I am supposed to be doing and making effort.  Unfortunately, my motivation and ambition have dried up like a raisin.  I can’t seem to jumpstart my energy.  Everything is overwhelming and inevitably I stay still as long as possible, inert physically, with my brain racing like a speed car at Talladega. The only way I can get out of bed is to know that my dog is downstairs and needs to eat and poop.  I force myself to swing my legs from under the covers and put them on the floor.  When I stand, my body...

To my Beautiful Daughter Tia, The day you were born, you taught me how to love more deeply than I ever imagined.  You were the first, in my life, to teach me unconditional love.  I struggled as a young mother, to handle the food allergies, ear infections and childhood flus you unwittingly brought into my life.  But through it all, together, our love continued to grow deeper, intertwining our lives forever.  As you blossomed into a beautiful young woman, you always did things your way.  You were independent, fierce, passionate and sweet. I was always so proud of you. You were never just my daughter, child or little baby, you were my best friend.  And as you became an adult, I could lean on you as much as you leaned on me in good times and bad.  Thank you for always being there for me. I always felt that our spirits were entwined.  We shared a love for the same music, clothes, foods and laughter.  You could light up a room wherev...

In a moment of reflection I closed my eyes and reviewed all that had transpired in my life starting January of 2017.  As the first of the year commenced twelve months ago, I continued to sit deeply in grief, missing Dean with constant pain.  I had just passed my first Christmas without him and missed his presence with a visceral anguish.  My daughter Tia, had convinced me to purchase a new home in her neighborhood, right down the block from her house.  I was happy that she wanted me so close to her and my grandchildren and excited to have a new start away from the home that had brought so many happy memories but recently painful loss.  I spent the better part of January and February in perpetual motion, ten thousand steps a day.  I hiked, ran and walked in snow, ice and rain every day to contain my grief.  I started to pack in anticipation of my move to the new home, and what I hoped was a new beginning. In March, I cleaned out every room, closet,...

Today, I promised myself that this would be the day to get busy and be productive.  Or in other words, I told myself, life goes on, get back on the horse….. so, START LIVING! (My version of a personal pep talk).   The new year is upon me and I have endured my husband’s, father’s and now my daughter’s deaths in the last twenty-one months.  The saying that life is short plays in my head but it echo’s meaninglessly, my conscious not knowing what that really means for me .  I spent last year pulling out of a company that my husband and I built for twelve years from the ground up, handing off the management to my youngest daughter and her husband.  After so much time, working night and day to make a success of the business, the ending for me is hollow and anti-climactic.  One more loss, change and ending suffered without Dean by my side.  I have free time on my hands, something I always cherished, but now, I don’t know where to channel the addit...

I have been holding my breath for two weeks.  Occasionally, I inhale deeply for a short period and when I do, the pain rolls over my entire body.  I absorb it while living in my memories and then, for awhile, fall into a state of numbness and go about my life. The hardest part of it all, that there is nothing to be done.  Nothing I can do.  Nothing that will change.  Yet nothing is the same. I created and birthed a life.  I loved her for thirty three years and then watched her take her last breath.  How do I assimilate and process this change to my existence?  Everything is backwards.  I'm not supposed to be here because I'm supposed to die first.  I struggle to understand the meaning and in the end, I have control of naught.  She was my baby, I took care of her, raised her and kept her safe for eighteen years.  I did everything right. I fight the anger.  I google The Art of Letting Go .  I am shut out of her...