My Journey Continues

W hat no one told me after losing my husband to brain cancer, was that as a widow, I would go through a (for lack of better word) horny phase. Yes, I said it. Women over fifty still get randy! It was a few months after his passing when the longing for my deceased husbands tangible touch, scent, taste and feel was still in the yearning phase. I would meditate to remember his essence and what it was like to be with him. That would get me all fired up with nowhere to go. It was too early to try and date, because once around other men, it was still repulsive to think of being with someone new. Of course, there is guilt about being loyal and faithful…to a man that is no longer alive. I know, its not rational. Nothing much is when it comes to grief. Flash forward over two years…and here I am. Ready as I can be, trying out the dating scene. Everything is different. The texting, online presence, the expectations and worst of all, the catfishing. The fake profiles are everywhere,...

Since death descended into my life I never dealt with the emotion, anger.  When I sank low into depression, I was told by my therapist that it was OK to be angry.   "Get mad!  Let it out! Scream, swear or punch a wall."  She said. "The thing is...I don't feel mad." I countered.  "I know my daughter and husband didn't want to die, so how can I be angry?  Its not their fault." But two years later, waves of anger are just starting to overtake me randomly when I least expect it.  The burning feeling of white, hot, infuriating indignation washes into my brain and numbs my face and lips. The smallest thing sets me off and I will clench my teeth together and scream inside my brain.  Visibly shaking, mentally yelling. Silence. Tears...always tears, rolling down my face. Sometimes, if I'm home alone, my body will freeze and my mouth will howl as hard and as loud as it can until my lungs hurt.  No one can hear me and I don't feel better....