PTSD

Something I never experienced before is post traumatic stress.  My mind has a way of remembering an event, whether its unwanted or not, at any given moment.  The memory can be of a smile, a smell or a sound.  It can remind me of anything from lost happiness to death and bring me to sadness in a nano second.  So much emotion that has nowhere to go.  It wells up from the corner of my eyes and drips down my face in tears.

I hate most that I can't control it.  I can be in a store, driving, at a movie, home or anywhere for that matter.  I loathe showing emotions in front of others so I wear sunglasses everywhere, hoping they cover the trail of tears on my cheeks.  If I am hiking, I have no problem blowing the snot out of one side of my nose onto the ground, because I hate the constant sniffing.  I try to remember to carry tissues.  I guess that's better etiquette, but usually I don't care.

The flashes of him sick, helpless and in pain are the worst.  I wanted to fix everything when I couldn't fix anything.

I avoid showing my feelings because I am ashamed to show weakness.  I feel vulnerable letting others know how sad I still am.  I worry they will think less of me that I am not over his death.  I can't explain that I will never be over it.  It is a part of me, mind and soul.

It gets harder over time.  Mostly because I have more consecutive days where I feel almost normal. Then something, a bird in the sky....song on the radio...or just a hot summer day (he loved those) and I am flooded with longing.  I yearn for his presence to the point of physical pain.  I miss...miss...so much.  Each time the memories bring the pain, I have less tolerance to process it.  My mind is tired and my spirit crushed.

I continue to work on finding a new normal.  Getting out of the grief loop and enjoying each moment every day as if it were my last.  It's work, but I can choose to live or waste what time I have left.  My hope is that one day, the good times will last longer, the bad recollections will fade and the happy memories will bring a smile to my face rather than tears.