Starting Over

Grief has a way of rebooting life.  In my case, it set my love life back thirteen years and that's been very hard for me to accept.  Fifteen years ago I was lost after my divorce.  I wanted to find the love of my life and had no idea how to go about it.  I hardly dated in my early years ,since I went from my first boyfriend at sixteen, to marriage by nineteen.  In my late thirties, I was alone for the first time since my teens.  I tried online dating services and after much angst and many one time dates, I met Dean three years later.  Dating to me was like a job and I hated it because it was so much work and very exhausting.  When Dean and I finally fell in love and merged seamlessly together, my life was heaven.  Not once during our entire relationship did I ever miss being single.  We both knew how lucky we were, and secretly reveled in our love knowing others did not have what we had found.  We did not take it for granted.

Grief didn't just hinder my love life, it took away my dreams and goals that I had for the future.  Without Dean, they were gone and I was lost.

So here I am, nineteen months after my existence transformed.  Starting over in love, dreams and purpose.  I am overwhelmed.  I am exhausted.  But my nature is likened to the ever ready bunny and  I can't stop trying....or living.  Sometimes, with every breath I want to give up, but my souls purpose won't let me.  Even as I physically continue forward, with a new house, car, goals and work, grief kicks me back emotionally over and over.  Days go by, I am living, absorbing and softened.

Then randomly, I wake up one day and I feel like I did weeks ago, the sadness back in full force.
I question "How can this be?"  It's not as if I want to feel sad and depressed.  I don't actively seek these emotions.  But like cancer, it silently sneaks up on me and spreads and grows without knowledge until suddenly, I am consumed.  The tears flow and the pain wells up.

And then I start over.