Restlessness

There has been one constant in my life in the last thirty-five years that squats in my brain like an inactive virus.  Over time, I have acknowledged its existence, sometimes feeling annoyed but mostly frustrated when it washes over me like a tidal wave.  That single emotion, that sounds so innocuous but that I carry with me at all times, is restlessness.  It forever hovers in my psyche, waiting to rear up and drive me insane with its ability to make me feel like I need to crawl out of my skin.

The only period in my life when it was caged and dormant was when I was married to my husband.  It makes me wonder if the love I received from him tamed it into submission.  Now that he is gone, it is coming undone.  I can feel it breaking out of its hibernation and consuming pieces of my mind.  Is love the antidote?

I sometimes ask myself, how can something so inane as restlessness cause me to go crazy.   I can only explain it from my perspective…that it is this ever present emotion that feels like my brain is dancing, that my flesh is burning with an urgent need to move…run….cry…or freak out.  It’s like this ball inside my head that is bouncing off my skull, reverberating throughout my entire body, trying to get out. 

When its turned up high, as it has been from all the turmoil in my life for the last three years, I lose focus. I become frozen, mentally, physically and spiritually.  Questions stream through my conscious on a constant ticker tape of information.  Such as “Why am I here?”, “What is my purpose?”, “Where am I going?”, “Why can’t I find peace?” but mostly “I am so bored.”  Life has become sluggish for me as if moving in slow motion.  There is too much time and too long to live when there is no goal.

The only way I can somewhat control it is with physical movement.  I work out, volunteer, create art, write, read, watch movies, work, play with my grandchildren and travel.  Yes, I am blessed that I can do all those things, but at best they are all mostly a distraction, because restlessness never leaves.  Things could be worse, so much worse, I know this.  Yet, like any illness, I can’t stop its effects on my mind and body.  And I wonder, is this all there is too life?