Time Lost

Time has become irrelevant for me.  It used to be so important and all my life, I never had enough of it.  I learned to live at a rapid pace, cramming as much as I could into an already packed schedule.  I drove at top speeds to get from one place to the next and with technology, added texting and talking on cell phones to the harried pace.  Working, eating, cooking, cleaning, sleeping….it all ran together with the occasional night out with my husband or holiday with family to slow it down for a breath.  Where did it all go?  I was moving so fast, I forgot to live. 

Now it is gone…and different.

It feels odd to have so much of it now and it’s as if I’m living in a time warp where nothing seems as what it was.  The frenzy in which I lived is over, just as the life I had is in the past.  Time stretches out in front of me with a vastness I can’t fill.  I feel lost in the vortex, lost in my thoughts, lost in my life.  I wish I could manipulate the hours to trade my past for the present.  I could slow down, savor it, do it differently and make it better.  Instead, I only have memories and use the present to live in the past.

It requires a lot of energy to manipulate the use of existence in my life…death causing so many do overs within my single being.  I wrestle with wanting to do something vs doing nothing at all.  I sit, silent, with only myself and listen.  It’s the first time I have sat still long enough to hear.  I hear nothing and chatter, none of it making sense.  

For the moment, all I have is the present.  One thing is for certain, it never stays the same, shifting and moving forward, constant in itself.  I have learned, its not the time that I lose or that stretches before me, its what I do with it.