My Journey Continues

My eyes open to another cold December day.  The morning is like any other, but my life is on the edge of a transformation.  I lie still, my breath shallow, as thoughts slowly fill my mind, reminding me that my daughter is fighting for her life in a hospital bed fifteen miles away.  In my soul, I know she is dying.  Still grief stricken over my husbands demise, this new loss is staggering.  Illness, suffering and death have become an unfortunate way of life for me in the last three years.  I hate cancer, the insidious murderer who was stealing so much from me.  I struggle to shake off the lethargic effects of the nightly sleeping pill I take to find oblivion every night and force myself to put my feet on the floor and get up. I feel helpless and frustrated that as her mother, I can not heal her.  I could not save my husband and now, I can not save my daughter.  In the bottom of my mind, anger simmers.  I did not think it often, but on this day, I am mad that life has been cruel

Its been nine days since my last blog.   Recently, I have struggled to convey my feelings through writing as my emotions sit so close to the surface.  Tia's situation became dire one week ago yesterday.  Her neuro abilities declined dramatically after her eleventh day of full brain radiation.  Her inability to walk, eat, talk, use her left side and fully wake up became alarming.  Once again, she was whisked off to the hospital by ambulance, only this time I was terrified she would not come back. Fear for her life surrounds me like a cloud of invisible fog.  I want to be that person who remains positive, strong and steadfast, but panic fills my gut.  Regardless, none of this is about me.  This is Tia's journey.  Only God knows if its her time or not.  The doctors certainly don't know, as they are clueless on how to proceed in treating her. They continue with repeating the same tests in hopes of different answers.  It has become a waiting game. The universe is s

As my life travels the winding road in and out of what I call, the world of sick, I learn more about human nature and my instinct to cope.  Losing so much of my family nucleus in the last eighteen months has taught me about my ability to hope, persevere and remain positive against all odds. In the past, before I had been forced to go down the highway of loss, I would read positive affirmations and stories of adversity in books, or one paragraph life lessons while bored and scanning Facebook, the words not quite meaningless, but forgettable after a minute.  Eventually, we all will face some sort of loss.  I made it too the ripe age of fifty two before all hell broke loose.  Now its seems the universe is making up for lost time.  As I encounter new challenges every day, I realize that we all experience the same things, just at different times.  I guess that's what connects the human race.  Our individuality shows in how we react to these new events. Even though we are the s