The Waiting is the Worst

Its been nine days since my last blog.   Recently, I have struggled to convey my feelings through writing as my emotions sit so close to the surface.  Tia's situation became dire one week ago yesterday.  Her neuro abilities declined dramatically after her eleventh day of full brain radiation.  Her inability to walk, eat, talk, use her left side and fully wake up became alarming.  Once again, she was whisked off to the hospital by ambulance, only this time I was terrified she would not come back.

Fear for her life surrounds me like a cloud of invisible fog.  I want to be that person who remains positive, strong and steadfast, but panic fills my gut.  Regardless, none of this is about me.  This is Tia's journey.  Only God knows if its her time or not.  The doctors certainly don't know, as they are clueless on how to proceed in treating her. They continue with repeating the same tests in hopes of different answers.  It has become a waiting game.

The universe is surely testing me.  The complexities of her direct care, uncertain future, and my own projected fear cause me chronic angst.  Her illness is reminiscent of Dean's situation and I suffer flashbacks, questioning and analyzing my decisions of his end of life care repeatedly.  I have not slept regularly for days and I struggle to focus on daily activities.  Marking time for her condition to change, either good or bad, has me crawling out of my skin.  I feel her emotional suffering and it makes me go mad, because I can't fix it.  I feel that our spiritual connection recently has grown stronger.  I can sense her soul talking to me, soothing me yet crying from grief.  She is not scared to die, her faith in God strong, but sad to be separated from her family.  She is fighting with every ounce of her being, her love for her husband and children giving her strength.

Its been a full week since she was admitted and her condition is much the same.  I know that she can hear us and occasionally she gives us a wave or a thumbs up.  Today, not so much.  Her body has grown stronger but neurologically, I feel she has somewhat declined.

I wonder how much she can endure but really, I think my question to myself is how much can I?  I pray daily, not only for her life to continue but to end her suffering.  Because, who really wants to be entombed in their body, unable to move, laugh or live.  Her quality of life is gone, but is her life over?  I pray not.  I believe in miracles and still hope that Tia is one of them.