Love and Loneliness

One of the emotions that most recently floods my being on a random basis is loneliness. I may choose to fight or embrace it depending on my mood.

Loneliness is described in Wikipedia as an unpleasant emotion brought on by a response to isolation. 

I don't FEEL isolated and I've never been REALLY lonely before, but I am still trying to peel the skin off how it makes me truly feel.  Every morning I wake up to silence and pause for a moment to listen.  I hear the air inhaling and exhaling from my body, the rain or wind gently blowing against the window, or the in-explainable sounds that a house makes as it breathes.  I never used to notice these vibrations in time, listening instead for my husbands puttering in the kitchen as he made coffee or emptied the dishwasher.  The lack of sound that another living body is near me, reminds me that I am alone and he is gone.

Silence, in itself, tells me to listen to my own voice, inside my head.  Who am I?  What will I do with this fresh new day?  If this was the last day of my life, what would I do with it?  What am I grateful for? Ahhh...stream of consciousness...running a hundred miles a minute in my brain.

I never listened to my voice the way I do now.  There has always been another energy to interact with almost every conscious moment, whether it was my children or husband, or even all the animals I have taken care of.

I think I only feel lonely because I miss the connection of knowing that I am loved and that I have someone to love.  Not just anyone, but that special person that will cherish me no matter what I do, say, feel or look like.  That person that exudes the essence of unconditional love, which is akin to being wrapped in a big warm security blanket.  I guess I need to be adored by another, and without having that knowing, I can feel completely and utterly alone in a large crowd of people or sitting home by myself on a Friday night.

Some will say that is messed up.  If I find the right vibration, say plenty of affirmations, or have a healthy enough sense of self worth then I should be totally happy with myself.  OK, I get that.  But then if none of us needs a partner, why then are so many people coupled up?  Why get married?  Why fall in love?

I don't need a lot of attention, and I am just fine on my own most of the time.  But the connections I feel from my girlfriends, daughters and grandchildren are different than a lover.  Even though I am content in a house full of nothing, there is a hole in my heart for that special love.  The one that can't be created, demanded or manufactured.  I dream for the unique feeling that will banish loneliness for good. Alas, I am my worst saboteur.  Duplication is impossible but I look anyway, thereby perpetuating my continued loneliness.

I  keep busy during my days, routine taking the sting out of always worrying about just me.  Time has slowed down and I try to stay as present in each moment as I can.  At night, I listen to the frogs croaking, the hum of the overhead fan and the distant sounds of unseen cars driving by.

Breathing, living, time, thoughts, emotions all swirl around me in an invisible cloud while I try to make sense of life.  Are we all connected in some way?  or Do we die alone?  Why do I feel so lonely when I am surrounded by others?  and Why can't I stay content when I am completely alone?

Energy that brings life continues to beat and swell, keeping everything in motion every moment of every day. I continue to ride the wave, helpless in an ocean of unpredictability.  Its funny, it took death to wake me up to life, even though I was happy before death and it took loneliness for me to appreciate being connected to others.