My Journey Continues

Time has become irrelevant for me.  It used to be so important and all my life, I never had enough of it.  I learned to live at a rapid pace, cramming as much as I could into an already packed schedule.  I drove at top speeds to get from one place to the next and with technology, added texting and talking on cell phones to the harried pace.  Working, eating, cooking, cleaning, sleeping….it all ran together with the occasional night out with my husband or holiday with family to slow it down for a breath.  Where did it all go?  I was moving so fast, I forgot to live.  Now it is gone…and different. It feels odd to have so much of it now and it’s as if I’m living in a time warp where nothing seems as what it was.  The frenzy in which I lived is over, just as the life I had is in the past.  Time stretches out in front of me with a vastness I can’t fill.  I feel lost in the vortex, lost in my thoughts, lost in my life.  I w...

In my never-ending quest to find peace it’s most recently come to my attention that I am an Emotionalist/Spiritualist. The definition of an Emotionalist is One whose conduct, thought or rhetoric is governed by emotion rather than reason.  A Spiritualist is a person who believes that the spirits of the dead can communicate with living people. I am a strong business woman, who is self-taught in all the things that I have used to rise up in the work world.  To hear I am an emotionalist knocks me down a notch in my own self esteem.  I don’t want to know that what I’m feeling is ruling my behavior over reason or fact.  But by accepting this rational I am acknowledging who I really am.  My emotions drive my impulse to act or re-act too quickly, getting myself into bad situations at times.  Maybe letting my instinct rule my behavior has made it harder for me to let go of my grief.  I constantly look for ways to empower myself to underst...

There has been one constant in my life in the last thirty-five years that squats in my brain like an inactive virus.  Over time, I have acknowledged its existence, sometimes feeling annoyed but mostly frustrated when it washes over me like a tidal wave.  That single emotion, that sounds so innocuous but that I carry with me at all times, is restlessness.  It forever hovers in my psyche, waiting to rear up and drive me insane with its ability to make me feel like I need to crawl out of my skin. The only period in my life when it was caged and dormant was when I was married to my husband.  It makes me wonder if the love I received from him tamed it into submission.  Now that he is gone, it is coming undone.  I can feel it breaking out of its hibernation and consuming pieces of my mind.  Is love the antidote? I sometimes ask myself, how can something so inane as restlessness cause me to go crazy.   I can only explain it from my pers...

As a child, I never worried about what I could remember and what I could not.  Life was all about the present, playing outside, having friends and what was for dinner.  As I grew older, I became more aware of remembering things, especially if I had a big test at school or an important appointment, but didn’t give it to much thought as I was still learning to be me.  As I grew into my twenties and thirties, memory was still something I took for granted.  I had it and didn’t have to think about it.  I could easily remember what time I had to be at work, doctor’s appointments, how to complete tasks and time for dates, concerts or parties. At some point in my life, my memory shifted.  Gradually, I had to start logging engagements or birthdays into a yearly planner.  I could no longer accept without question that I would remember everything.  I lost my keys, purse, the remote and my glasses.  My yearly planner turned into my calendar on m...

I eagerly looked forward to the weekend, visiting and spending the night at my best friend’s house.  We were getting pedicures, going out to dinner and drinking wine.  I was excited for girl time and leaving my thoughts at home.  I had been spending a lot of time milling around my house lately, bouncing from one small project to the next, and I was getting bored.  With work required for business almost non-existent, I was at a loss on how to be productive. I found myself at odd times of the day, staring into the bathroom mirror, my face becoming detached from my body and evolving into somebody else.  Someone who was a stranger to me.  I felt dizzy, as if the world around me faded away into a blur, with my face distorted and numb.  Loneliness and isolation, two gifts from death, always shadows by my side. I could feel that I was alive, but that I was no longer who I used to be.  I asked myself, how did I get here? I am sick of be...

My eyes open and I am awake.  My brain reaches for the dream that floats through my mind, because I do not want to wake to reality.  Even my subconscious knows I do not want to end sleep, the other world much preferable to the real one.  I dreamt of my dad.  We were doing everyday normal things and I miss him.  My dreams are so real and I want to be in that world. Ugghh, I have to face another day of moving forward, figuring out what I am supposed to be doing and making effort.  Unfortunately, my motivation and ambition have dried up like a raisin.  I can’t seem to jumpstart my energy.  Everything is overwhelming and inevitably I stay still as long as possible, inert physically, with my brain racing like a speed car at Talladega. The only way I can get out of bed is to know that my dog is downstairs and needs to eat and poop.  I force myself to swing my legs from under the covers and put them on the floor.  When I stand, my body...

To my Beautiful Daughter Tia, The day you were born, you taught me how to love more deeply than I ever imagined.  You were the first, in my life, to teach me unconditional love.  I struggled as a young mother, to handle the food allergies, ear infections and childhood flus you unwittingly brought into my life.  But through it all, together, our love continued to grow deeper, intertwining our lives forever.  As you blossomed into a beautiful young woman, you always did things your way.  You were independent, fierce, passionate and sweet. I was always so proud of you. You were never just my daughter, child or little baby, you were my best friend.  And as you became an adult, I could lean on you as much as you leaned on me in good times and bad.  Thank you for always being there for me. I always felt that our spirits were entwined.  We shared a love for the same music, clothes, foods and laughter.  You could light up a room wherev...