Grief and Mourning

Lately, I have been working on understanding grief and mourning.  Grief is ever changing, always morphing into something different, but ever present.  After nineteen months, I had naively imagined that I would be moving on with my sadness.  But instead, this invader into my life has learned how to hide and shift, and to continuously grow and survive inside me, no matter how I try to evict it.
Instead of being a constant companion, always present in a conscious level, it hides in my subconscious, then strikes at any given moment.  It could be a thought, a vision, a memory, or a longing.  In a moment, I am blinking back tears, silently dripping rivulets down my cheeks or openly keening.  Grief has so many forms, it cannot be killed.  Its not just about losing someone, it encompasses unrealized dreams, forced life changes, refining friends, losing family and fear for the future.  I ask myself "Why can't I be happy?" but all I hear is silence.  "I don't know..." echos to a hollow room within my brain.

Its not that I don't want to be happy, I just can't seem to figure out how to get there.  I have consulted with therapists, grief groups, other widows, mediums and self help videos and books.  But still, I find joy elusive.  Joy that I took for granted before I met death.

"What do you feel when you are sad?  What are you missing?" and "You can replace those feelings and find them again." Are all questions and statements of advice I have been given.

I dig deep trying to feel what I no longer have and I can only find one answer.  Sadness. Ironically, that was Deans last word.  And I miss him.  HIM...his essence and enveloping love.  And he can't be replaced.  So how to move on....

Which brings me to mourning.  Mourning is about changing who we are and morphing into something new. Its about honoring our loved ones in becoming better individuals.  Mourning to me is keeping Deans memory alive by changing my life.  I no longer take time for granted.  I start each day knowing I will do something I love for at least one hour.  Now I write, take art classes, work less, but most importantly, I am more present when spending time with my family and friends.  I work on educating others about brain cancer and generally try to be a nicer person.  I take more time to relax, be aware of nature and tune into my spiritual side.  It is all I have to focus on until I can figure out my grief.