Holding My Breath


I have been holding my breath for two weeks.  Occasionally, I inhale deeply for a short period and when I do, the pain rolls over my entire body.  I absorb it while living in my memories and then, for awhile, fall into a state of numbness and go about my life.

The hardest part of it all, that there is nothing to be done.  Nothing I can do.  Nothing that will change.  Yet nothing is the same.

I created and birthed a life.  I loved her for thirty three years and then watched her take her last breath.  How do I assimilate and process this change to my existence?  Everything is backwards.  I'm not supposed to be here because I'm supposed to die first.  I struggle to understand the meaning and in the end, I have control of naught.  She was my baby, I took care of her, raised her and kept her safe for eighteen years.  I did everything right.

I fight the anger.  I google The Art of Letting Go.  I am shut out of her life.  I am sad.

She visited me three nights ago in a dream.  I am told that a spirit vision is very different than a regular dream.  Her appearance is so real and I will never forget it.  She is beautiful, ethereal .  Her hair is in barrel curls and her skin luminous.  I hug her and notice she is so thin.  I pull away and we look at each other face to face, eye to eye.  I am concerned, "Are you ok? Where have you been?" I ask her.  Then, her face crumples with the start of tears and my heart breaks. As her mother, I want to remove her anguish and make it all better.  As I reach for her again, I suddenly jerk awake.  I don't know where I am.  What just happened?  Then I remember and I tear up and cry out.  I can't help her anymore.  Her sadness is palpable in the early morning light of my bedroom. I whisper "I am so sorry!"

Her sister has a similar dream the next night and she cries too.  I wonder who else she has visited from heaven.  I am comforted she is still with me, even though I can't see her.  She is my angel.



Comments

  1. UnknownJanuary 2, 2018 at 4:29 PM

    I had a couple dreams of her.... Nothing so realistic as yours sounds...she always has this same calm little smile and sparkle in her eyes..." Our Tia"...I say
    And Every time I say it, she is gone from my sight.... I cry then I wake up crying.
    The 5 little faces who look for their mommy reside in my thoughts, popping up randomly throughout my day... I dream about Hannah more... I watch her trying to live each of her days. I wonder how or if I could do anything to ease her loss. I realize my usefulness is non existent. What can we do? My girls call every few days, and though we are thousands of miles apart and several hours in time zones...we are all in the same place with Tia. Our hearts ache for the worlds loss. For each of you...and even for ourselves not having her here. Know that your daughter was amazing to us ALL and we understand not.
    In our minds and hearts she is always with us...we feel her, see her, & remember that incredible spirit.

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