Unwanted Beginnings

Today, I promised myself that this would be the day to get busy and be productive.  Or in other words, I told myself, life goes on, get back on the horse….. so, START LIVING! (My version of a personal pep talk).   The new year is upon me and I have endured my husband’s, father’s and now my daughter’s deaths in the last twenty-one months.  The saying that life is short plays in my head but it echo’s meaninglessly, my conscious not knowing what that really means for me. 

I spent last year pulling out of a company that my husband and I built for twelve years from the ground up, handing off the management to my youngest daughter and her husband.  After so much time, working night and day to make a success of the business, the ending for me is hollow and anti-climactic.  One more loss, change and ending suffered without Dean by my side.  I have free time on my hands, something I always cherished, but now, I don’t know where to channel the additional freedom.  I spent thirty minutes this morning pacing from my office to the top of the stairs and back, aimless and frustrated, trying to burn excess energy, my mind flipping from one thought to the next.  I literally do not know which direction I’m headed, and not having to be at work spins me for a loss.  I have had a job every day since I was a teenager and don’t know if I know how to do anything else.

All the things that were bringing me joy, art, decorating, writing and photography seem unfulfilling now.  I was derailed from my grief therapy from losing Dean too soon, and sent back to the start upon Tia’s passing.  What helped before, is no longer helping now.  I read somewhere that grief sends us back to the beginning.  It’s a do-over and like playing the game Candyland, an unwanted beginning.

So that brings me to ask the question, What would you do if you no longer had a job and didn’t have to go back to work?