Losing Memory

As a child, I never worried about what I could remember and what I could not.  Life was all about the present, playing outside, having friends and what was for dinner.  As I grew older, I became more aware of remembering things, especially if I had a big test at school or an important appointment, but didn’t give it to much thought as I was still learning to be me.  As I grew into my twenties and thirties, memory was still something I took for granted.  I had it and didn’t have to think about it.  I could easily remember what time I had to be at work, doctor’s appointments, how to complete tasks and time for dates, concerts or parties.

At some point in my life, my memory shifted.  Gradually, I had to start logging engagements or birthdays into a yearly planner.  I could no longer accept without question that I would remember everything.  I lost my keys, purse, the remote and my glasses.  My yearly planner turned into my calendar on my smart phone, which had an alarm to warn me of a scheduled event.  I could not even remember to look at the calendar to know what I had recently planned. 

My mother was diagnosed with MCI with an 80% chance of morphing into Alzheimer’s disease recently.  I watch her struggle to remember what she talked about 5 minutes ago and wonder if I’m already contracting the same demise.  I can’t remember names, events, places or how to do things.  The thoughts flitting in and out of my mind like bees buzzing around flowers.  I can’t seem to pin down the idea I just had, it ran through my brain at a sprint and now it’s too elusive to catch it.  So, I google everything, which in turn makes me think I’m losing my mind.

What does this mean to me?  I struggle with getting older, how I will survive and be treated as time moves forward.  The elderly are not revered in our culture and as a fifty something, I am terrified of looking stupid, old and incompetent.  And of course, not being able to remember a damn thing!