And So On....



I have taken a hiatus from writing as of late.  Mainly because it forces me to delve deeply into my feelings and that causes me pain.  I so wanted my trip to Spain to be a pivotal turning point in my life.  I had tricked myself into believing that for a short while, but reality has a way of forcing its presence.  I grieved hard the last six months and was spiraling further before I left, luckily the vacation in itself was an energy distraction and helped set me back on life's course.  Unfortunately, it did not last. 

Life has been a whirlwind of selling my home and rental property, buying a new place to live and packing.  I took a kickboxing class and joined another online grief group.  I continue to pump out drawings in my spare time and watch a lot of movies on Hulu.  The days blur together and I have those moments of "what is the point of living?"  There is boredom of life in grief.

I most recently purchased a large bottle of Cannabis sleep aid.  I was steadily increasing my dose of the tincture product, as my capacity to respond lessened over time.  I subconsciously have a fear of being awake at night and I look forward to the peace that a good night of unconsciousness brings me.  Somehow, the drugged state that it put me in seeped over into my mornings.  At first, I thought I just needed to shake it off.  But then it would have this lasting effect all day on me.  I felt myself fighting to be awake in the mid afternoon, even though I had slept eight to nine hours the previous night.  My brain was in a constant fog and I felt like I couldn't think.  It took my daughter to point out to me that maybe I should not be taking so much of the drug to make me aware of the problem.  Most recently, I stopped cold turkey for a night to see how my body would respond.  I woke up clear headed but the thoughts came back full force and the pain hit my mind and body like a freight train. 

All the distractions of traveling, moving and exercise have all been a facade.  Inside, my soul feels like a plant without water or sun.  It is wilting and dying and I don't know how to fix it. 

Just as I have the anguish of grief drifting through my life, I still have the love of my grandchildren, daughters, siblings and friends.  The complexity of uncontrollable sadness, intertwined with the current love from my people shows that love must win.  Otherwise, why would I still be here?

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