My Ghost


                                          Courtesy of Unsplash - Samuel Zeller 

My husband has stopped haunting me. No more lights going off and on, furniture vibrating, owls hooting outside my window before every event, vivid visitation dreams of us being together or his smell floating around me in a movie theater. I am angry. I feel like he left me all over again. His visitations were the only thing that got me through his absence. That, and the knowledge that he was still with me.

It ended six months ago, two years and two months after his death, when I moved into my latest home. It’s a perfect home for me, with grand living room ceilings, open kitchen with three ovens and a perfect size backyard that doesn’t overwhelm me to maintain. It’s shaped like an L, due to the three-car garage, a style Dean and I talked about building many times after retirement. I knew as soon as my offer was accepted, I was meant to have it as a gift from either Dean or my spiritual family. Shortly after I moved in, I discovered walking trails all around me to exercise my dog and be outside in nature. A country home in the midst of pastures, farms and cows but close enough to town that I could ride my bike to pick up groceries. It had been years, that I had lived so close to civilization, and the country vs town living could not be more perfect for me than if it had been custom built.

Soon after I moved in, a job offer fell in my lap for part time work at a local contractor. I wasn’t looking, but had thought many times in the past year that a job like that would fit my needs and get me out of the house more. My new home is five minutes to Tia’s house where my five grandchildren live and five minutes the opposite way to Hannah’s house where my other two grandsons live.  Every day the gratefulness of my life wars with my sadness and loss. Every blessing feels like a trade off to the death of my daughter and husband. Is it all in how I look at it? Is my perception skewed? I am learning to be grateful and not question what comes to me. It’s not easy.

I still, after all this time, silently strain to FEEL him every night before I go to bed. Sometimes, when I wake up at 2:00 am, and it’s ALWAYS 2:00 am, I can feel a different energy in my room, and I wonder if it’s him, frustrated it’s not enough. I yearn to touch or see some sign of him.  I have to give him credit, he went above and beyond to let me know he was around and I’m sure not without a lot of spiritual effort. But for me, I want more, always. Therein lies the problem, I don’t want him to be gone yet the signs are never enough, for as soon as I get one, I want more. I see myself as a petulant child, who’s father has been gone but brings her a present upon his return in hopes of appeasing her for missing out on her life. She wants to be happy that she has a gift, but her feelings are mixed with anger for his absence.

Sometimes I think there are laws in heaven that prohibit him from revealing more to me. I know, that if he could, he would most likely appear before me, talk to me and stay around for a while. We would go places, hang out and people would look at me because I was talking to air, as they could not see my ghost husband. Silly, isn’t it? Yet, if I can’t physically have him back, then I would take his spiritual version, even if for a day, an hour, a minute, or a second.

But, if he were to offer me that, I could not move on with the life and lessons I am still here for. Or, it would prompt me to prematurely leave this physical world so that I could go home and be with him. Deep in my soul, I know this to be true. And now that my daughter is there too, the longing is so intense I might just make the leap. But what a waste of their sacrifice and not learn from the lessons they brought to me in their death.

The yearning never turns off and after feeling waves of grief for almost three years since his death and four since his diagnosis, compounded with losing my daughter one year ago, I am emotionally and physically exhausted. The ache never goes away, but it has gotten better. I know he is still aware of me every minute as I am of him, but I can’t seem to accept that he has cut me off, silently and swiftly.

So, I soldier on in this life, taking a minute each day to be grateful for my blessings. My home, my grand kids, my daughter, my family and friends. Struggling to change my energy to be more kind, open and welcoming. To understand that my nature to close myself off from others is counter intuitive to the lesson I am supposed to be learning. To accept what life has thrown at me and be open to what new comes my way, to understand that change will always happen and at this moment, I could be having the best part of this part of my life. Tomorrow, I might be hit by a car…who knows?

How do I do this? Some days, I have to take it breath by breath, telling myself that in this moment, I am OK. I am alive and I don’t have to do anything but just be. Just exist. Focus on life and how to adapt, but in doing, find another happiness as life and lesson is in the journey not the destination.

It sounds so easy when I write it down, but in reality, it’s the hardest lesson I have endured in my life thus far and if it weren’t for the days that I could breathe easier for some reason and be happy, then the bad days would swallow me up. I guess that is the miracle of life to hit me in waves so that I can always endure what is being given me. The ebb and flow of pain and love, given in small doses of each, build my strength to handle the next challenge God has in store for me.



Comments

  1. Today I come to you with so much excitement!
    My Ex and I broke up 1 year and 2 months ago and i was six months pregnant. We both love each other and it was a shock to me and it really broke my heart. I tried to call him and both of his lines were disconnected. I tried to reach him on social networks but he deleted me off of them. I tried to reach his parents and they told me that their son said that he does not love me and does not want to see me and they do not know what is wrong. I cried and cried everyday because I loved him very much. Until I gave birth and the baby was one year old, I could not get my love back. Again, I was confused. I do not know what to do and I also lost my job and I have no money to take care of the baby. I was miserable in life so I cried to my sister and told her my problem and said that she knew of one powerful spell caster that helped her when she could not get pregnant. I contacted him by email and he said he will help me and told me that a woman cast a spell upon my man and said he will help me break the spell so my man will come back to me and be mine forever. It was a great surprise to me that everything that he said came to pass. My man came back to me immediately, saying that I should forgive him. I am sending a very big thank you to this powerful and real spell caster. I pray for him to live long and do more of his wonderful work. If you have any kind of problem disturbing you in life, you have to contact this powerful spell caster! He can help you. He will not disappoint you, I give you 100% guarantee that he will help you, Here’s his contact: Email him at: Ahmedutimate@gmail.com

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